Turning It Around!

In the book of 1 Samuel we find the story of a faithful servant of God called Eli, and his three sons.

           Two of the boys were his natural sons, Hophni & Phinehas.

                      The third was adopted, Samuel.

           The story centers around Eli and the boys, Eli’s wife is never mentioned.

                      Having said that, this story still had great relevance to our study of marriage.

Eli was a high priest and judge for the nation of Israel before God.

           Serving both roles, that of High Priest and Judge, left Eli with no time for his boys.

                      His work totally consumed him for forty years.

                      The boys were basically left to rear themselves.

Eli was a good priest and a good leader of the nation of Israel.

           He was devoted to God and respected of the people.

However, scripture tells us that by the end of his life, his “...eyes were so set that he could not see” (4:15).

           This is a twist of literary irony, no doubt intended to be a comment on his family life.

                      He had lost touch with his sons and turned a blind eye to what they had become.

His two sons, Hophni & Phinehas had become priests like their father, however, they could not have been more unlike their father.

According to scripture, the sons of Eli were worthless, wicked men.

1 Samuel 2:12-17 (NIV) Eli's sons were wicked men; they had no regard for the LORD. 13 Now it was the practice of the priests with the people that whenever anyone offered a sacrifice and while the meat was being boiled, the servant of the priest would come with a three-pronged fork in his hand. 14 He would plunge it into the pan or kettle or caldron or pot, and the priest would take for himself whatever the fork brought up. This is how they treated all the Israelites who came to Shiloh. 15 But even before the fat was burned, the servant of the priest would come and say to the man who was sacrificing, "Give the priest some meat to roast; he won't accept boiled meat from you, but only raw." 16 If the man said to him, "Let the fat be burned up first, and then take whatever you want," the servant would then answer, "No, hand it over now; if you don't, I'll take it by force." 17 This sin of the young men was very great in the LORD's sight, for they were treating the LORD's offering with contempt.

           They were stealing from the Lord, they were worthless and wicked.

Listen to what Scripture says when Eli did finally confront them, in 1 Samuel 2:25 If a man sins against another man, God may mediate for him; but if a man sins against the LORD, who will intercede for him?" His sons, however, did not listen to their father's rebuke, for it was the LORD's will to put them to death.

Now, in contrast to Eli’s wicked sons, we have Eli’s adopted son, Samuel.

He was born to a woman named Hannah, who promised the Lord that if He would give her a son in spite of her infertility, she would give him back to the Lord once he was weaned.

           And true to her word, she brought him to Eli to grow up and to serve God in the Tabernacle.

                      Eli raised the boy, and mentored him in the ways of the priesthood.

                                 Apparently something that he did not do with Hophni & Phinehas.

We don’t know for sure how the problem started or how long it took for Hophni & Phinehas to become so wicked, but it had to have taken some time.

           Among their sins: they used their position for personal gain.

                                        They stole meat intended for sacrifice

                                        They threatened worshipers with violence

                                        They despised their father

                                        They had sex with the woman that came to serve at the tabernacle

           No wonder the Lord calls them wicked, worthless men.

Now, Eli did warn them several times, after the people has complained.

He said in 1 Samuel 2:23-24 So he said to them, "Why do you do such things? I hear from all the people about these wicked deeds of yours. 24 No, my sons; it is not a good report that I hear spreading among the LORD's people.

I can imagine Eli saying to his boys: “Now boys, you know that what you are doing is wrong. You just better straighten up and fly right. You know that God isn’t very happy with you. And besides, you are making me look bad as well.”

           Not much of a rebuke and the boys basically ignored their father.

Suddenly, an unnamed prophet appears to Eli and delivered these words from the Lord:

1 Samuel 2:29 Why do you scorn my sacrifice and offering that I prescribed for my dwelling? Why do you honor your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel?'

           The prophet followed this with a pronouncement of judgement on Eli and his sons.

                      If they did not repent, they would all three soon be dead.

It’s clear that God held Eli accountable for the actions of his sons, since he had turned a blind eye to what they were doing.

He also received a warming from young Samuel.

           You remember the story of how Samuel heard God’s voice in the night.

                      At first he thought is was Eli calling him, but he soon discovered that it was God calling.

1 Samuel 3:9-14 So Eli told Samuel, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.'" So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 10 The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening." 11 And the LORD said to Samuel: "See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears of it tingle. 12 At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family--from beginning to end. 13 For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them. 14 Therefore, I swore to the house of Eli, 'The guilt of Eli's house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.'"

This crisis began with a tiny crack, a small infraction of the rules, then slowly enlarged over time.

           The shameless sin of the sons, compromised the integrity of the Tabernacle.

                      There sin cast a shadow over the covenant.

                                 It even called into question the character of God.

           Erosion: Silent, slow, subtle, steady.

The fact that sin existed in Eli’s household is no surprise for sin is universal.

           Difficulties will come upon every person and every family.

           The dangers of erosion threaten the stability of our personal relationship with God,

                      the stability of our family, of our marriage.

           For Eli, the problem lay in his response, or rather his lack of.

Notice how Eli reacted to the message God sent through Samuel:

1 Samuel 3:15-18 Samuel lay down until morning and then opened the doors of the house of the LORD. He was afraid to tell Eli the vision, 16 but Eli called him and said, "Samuel, my son." Samuel answered, "Here I am." 17 "What was it he said to you?" Eli asked. "Do not hide it from me. May God deal with you, be it ever so severely, if you hide from me anything he told you." 18 So Samuel told him everything, hiding nothing from him. Then Eli said, "He is the LORD; let him do what is good in his eyes."

           How do you think you would respond to such a message from God?

                      I think it would be more than “Oh well. So be it!”

Such a response is that of a classic passive father.

           He just couldn’t be bothered with such things as family problems.

                      After all, he was the High Priest.

                                 He had to look after the affairs fo the Tabernacle.

                      He was a Judge of Israel.

                                 He had to make tough decisions concerning the nation.

           His family could take care of itself.

The Danger Signs of Marital Erosion:

What signs indicate that a marriage is eroding?

           Probably not what you would think.

           All relationships have small cracks, creaking doors, and sticky windows from time to time.

                      Those are not nearly as important as how we respond to them.

The danger signs appear in how we take action when those subtle problems begin to appear.

           Eli simply ignored the sins of his sons, when their sins were minor.

           As his sons and their sins grew, he failed to deal with them.

           And by the time his boys were adults, the only righteous, just answer, was unthinkable to Eli.

                      It was public stoning.

Here are three danger signs that suggest marital erosion:

Too Busy

When you have only enough time and energy to handle the big things in life, the small, but equally important ones go unattended.

           Listen to what Alexander Whyte wrote about Eli in his book “Bible Characters.”

“Away back, at the beginning of his life, Eli had taken far too much in hand. Eli was not a great man like Moses or Aaron but he took both the office of Moses and the office or Aaron upon his single self. Eli was both chief judge and the high priest in himself for the whole house of Israel. The ablest, the most laborious, the most devoted, the most tireless and sleepless of men could not have done what Eli undertook to do...

And, taking up what was beyond mortal power to perform, the certain result was that he did nothing well.

How busy are you?

           How are you doing with quantity of time?

           Do you and your spouse have enough time together to enjoy easy and relaxing conversation?

Or do you spend most of your time dealing with problems or practical matters?

           Do you regularly schedule time to be a couple?

                      Looking at your schedule and your to-do list, what has first priority in your life?

                      When family and work vie for the same time slot, which most often wins?

See any cracks?

           Of course you do!

           The real question is how will you respond?

Too Insensitive

Eli apparently was not a sensitive person.

           He was not sensitive to the needs of, the problems that his boys faced, the sins they committed.

           How sensitive are you to the subtle signals of your spouse?

                      Do you even notice when your spouse is unhappy?

                      That your spouse is being abnormally quiet, overly stressed, or preoccupied?

           Are you to distracted or self-absorbed to notice those tiny cracks in your relationship?

                      Or did you notice, but just blow it off as no big deal?

           Are you sensitive to the subtle signals your spouse is sending?

           The greater question may be, what will you do when you do pick up on those signals?

Too Easy

Eli’s response, when he finally did pick up on what was going on with his sons, didn’t match the gravity of the situation.

Listen again too 1 Samuel 2:22-25 Now Eli, who was very old, heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. 23 So he said to them, "Why do you do such things? I hear from all the people about these wicked deeds of yours. 24 No, my sons; it is not a good report that I hear spreading among the LORD's people. 25 If a man sins against another man, God may mediate for him; but if a man sins against the LORD, who will intercede for him?" His sons, however, did not listen to their father's rebuke, for it was the LORD's will to put them to death.

           What he said was fine, but it needed to have been said years earlier.

           To put this in perspective, the sins of his sons were punishable by death, stoning.

And even if Eli couldn’t bring himself to execute his sons, he should have, at the very least, expelled them from the temple forever.

Perhaps Eli knew what to do, but just put it off.

           Maybe he had other things that were demanding his attention in those early days.

And by the time their sins became a priority, the drastic action they demanded was more than he could bring himself to do.

           His pathetic, inadequate response accomplished nothing except to dishonor the Lord.

When we become aware, when we sense that our spouse has a problem, we must act.

           I know, it’s so easy to think: well this will pass, it’s no big deal, he/she will get over it!

                      And like Eli, we just do the easy thing and ignore it.

But, the problem is that if we don’t deal with it, those little issues become major problems.

           We must be willing to deal with the problems, now.

           And we must be willing to do whatever it takes to handle the problem.

What if the difficulty you discover requires a significant change?

           Are you willing to change jobs if that is what it takes to fix the problem?

           Are you willing to live somewhere else?

           Are you willing to downsize you lifestyle to give you marriage more attention?

Are you willing to make the changes necessary in your life and routine,

                       without resenting your mate, to over come the problems?

           Are you willing to act sacrificially to make your marriage work?

What are you willing to sacrifice for the health of your marriage?

           What are you willing to do for the highest, greatest good of your mate?

           How serious are you about stepping up and stopping the erosion of your marriage?

How To Respond: to the problems in marriage.

I know, a lot of questions!

           Most of which imply their own answer, but I don’t want to stop there.

Let me offer some two word responses to problems in your marriage, that will help you avoid the need for drastic action.

Wake Up!

Intelligent, thoughtful, diligent people can be blind to needs at home.

           Decide today to become more aware of what is going on at home, with your spouse.

           When you see something that grabs your attention, don’t ignore it.

                      Don’t shrug it off, assuming it’s nothing to worry about.

           Take it seriously.

Talk Straight!

That is, speak plainly and clearly about what you have observed.

           Don’t attack, don’t accuse, don’t be defensive, but gently ask questions.

           Then listen.

                      Seek to understand your partner’s point of view.

                      Let them talk, and again, don’t be defensive.

                      Simply seek to come to an understanding of what the problem is.

Stay Close

Work with your spouse to handle the problem as a team.

           Decide together how each of you will adjust in response to the problem.

           Now, understand that you are not a parent to your mate.

                      You can suggest adjustments that might be helpful,

                                 but your partner has to make their own decisions.

Your role is to stay close, remain committed, and be your spouse’s ally, confidant, sounding board, and encourager.

Commit to knowing your spouse more intimately, which means you must never assume you know all there is to know.

Addressing marital erosion need not be complicated, it requires only two essentials:

           listening to your spouse

           giving your marriage first priority

We have got to realize that even the most “spiritually mature person” can allow his or her marriage to fail.

           All that’s required are misplaced priorities, and ignoring the danger signs.

           Marital erosion is happening today in the community you live,

                      in the place where you work,

                                 in the church where you worship.

           Marital erosion is a reality you cannot change,

                      Except in the home where you live.

           The question is: Will You?