The Real Glue!

The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding!

After several years of marriage, most of us know that we are not going to stay in the honeymoon stage very long, although we can regain that feeling from time to time.

We realize everything is not going to come up roses in our marriage,

                      but we expect to pick a few roses along the way.

Our goal should be to become more like Mr. & Mrs. Winston Churchill.

           The British prime minister’s wit and tough demeanor were well known,

                      as well as was his love for his wife.

           It is said that someone asked him,

                      “If you could live your life again, what would you want to be?”

           After 55 years of marriage, Mr. Churchill replied with a twinkle in his eye,

                       “Mrs. Churchill’s second husband.”

What makes the difference?

Some couples would describe their lifetime together as unfulfilling, argumentative, angry, disappointing years.

Other couples say: “Our union is solid and satisfying and sure. And it gets better as the years go by.”

                      What’s the difference?

Last week we talked about Commitment!

           We said that commitment is the first ingredient, in making a marriage last.

                      But, an enduring marriage is not necessarily a happy marriage.

           So, what’s next?

To answer that we need to look at Ephesians 4, not Ephesians 5 as you might expect.

           In Ephesians 5 we have principles that deal with the relationship of men and women in marriage.

But in Ephesians 4 we have principles that have to do with our behavior as humans,

                      and we have to get these right first.

In Ephesians four we find at least 5 principles that help to make our marriages work.

Now, Paul originally applied them to the church community, but they work great with marriage as well.

In verses 1-24 Paul gives no commands, but in verses 25 to the end of the chapter, he gives 11 of them.

                      We are going to boil them down to 5 principles that will help make a good marriage.

1. Be Honest!

Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

I like Eugene Peterson’s paraphrase of this verse: “No more lies, no more pretense...In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.”

Paul says to “put off falsehood” or “deception.”

           The Greek word translated “falsehood” is pseudos, from which we get the prefix pseudo.

A person who is a pseudo-intellectual appears to be a complex thinker, but in reality he may not be very bright at all.

                      This person deceives people into thinking they are highly intelligent.

Paul speaks of pseudos as though it was an object, saying that we can put it off or take it off.

           In other words, lay aside lying and deception.

           Paul is telling us that we must be truthful with one another.

                      Don’t stretch the truth, don’t whitewash the truth, don’t twist the truth, tell the truth.

John Stott says: “Fellowship is built on trust, and trust is built on truth. So falsehood undermines fellowship, while truth strengthens it.”

           Change the word fellowship to marriage, and you’ll see how well it fits.

           Marriage must be built on trust, and trust is built on truth, not falsehood.

                      Pseudos only has the power to destroy the intimacy in marriage, not strengthen it.

Now, if we are honest, most of us cultivate the habit of lying while we’re dating.

           We don’t suddenly become liars once we say “I do!”

           For example, a man will tell his wife to be how much he loves to go shopping.

                      He goes with her to the mall time and time again.

                      She thinks, this is great, we will shop together the rest of our life.

                      Then, after the wedding, he refuses to step into another mall again.

                                 Why? Because he lied. He just wanted to be with her, he hated shopping.

           Women, you are just as guilty.

                      You go with him to the football games, you watch them with him on TV.

                                 And he thinks this is great, I found a woman that loves football as much as I do.

                                            We will watch football together for ever.

Then after the wedding, she knows that she will never have to watch another game ever, for now she has her man.

Me and onions and Pat!

If the truth sets us free, then no marriage is more in bondage, than a marriage that’s wrapped up in lies and deception.

           Lay it aside and determine today to be truthful with your spouse.

           You might start by first of all admitting the truth about yourself.

2. Be Righteously Angry!

Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

Do you realize that scripture says that we are supposed to get angry?

           Paul just said that we are to be angry.

           In fact, the word Paul uses indicates that we are to “trimble” with anger.

                      Go ahead and shake with red-faced rage if you need to.

                                 But, don’t sin!

Like me, you have probably been raised to see anger as sinful.

           But that is wrong.

           Not all anger is bad.

                      We should be angry if we see an innocent person defrauded.

                                 Someone being taken advantage of.

                      We should be outraged when we see a child being molested.

                                 Our blood should boil and we should be angry.

Not only is anger not, in itself, sinful, but righteous anger reflects the mind of God.

           Listen to what Paul writes in Ephesians 5:6 about God.

Ephesians 5:6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient.

If all anger is sinful, then God would be a sinner too, for Paul makes it clear that God does become angry.

                      When God is confronted with sin, He is anything but tolerant.

           Now, to be like God, we have to learn to express our anger appropriately, and at the right time.

A marriage in which each partner respects the other, will allow room for the other to express angry feelings.

           But this requires teamwork.

           The angry partner must exercise self-control, that is express anger but do not sin in the process.

                      The other partner must also respond appropriately.

He or she must work hard to hear what their partner is saying, however poorly, and show empathy.

           Let me put it this way: you can express your anger, but be careful how you express it.

                      Be careful what you say and how you say it.

                                 Remember, that once you say the words, it’s all but impossible to take them back.

                      And really seek to listen to what the angry spouse is saying.

                                 They are trying to communicate something to you, listen carefully.

For your marriage to be a happy one, you need to feel free to express your anger, but in doing so, not to sin.

           Feelings that are not expressed, tend to destroy marriages not build them up.

3. Don’t Be A Thief!

Ephesians 4:28 He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

Paul is isn’t talking about armed robbery here.

           He’s not talking about sealing someone’s money or property.

           Paul was writing to a church that had it’s share of freeloaders.

                      They enjoyed all the advantages of the church, but they didn’t really contribute anything.

                                 To Paul, that was stealing.

           To share in a community, is to contribute your fair share of hard work.

                      To share your talents and gifts, to be actively involved.

                                 Failing to do so is stealing.

So, how does this apply to marriage?

           A marriage is more than material possessions.

                      It’s a community of two, each with responsibilities to that relationship.

           We are expected to give our time, trust, work, our self, our very best to our spouse.

           When we withhold or violate any of those things, we are stealing from them.

                      I steal when I let something encroach on the time I promised her,

                      I steal when I give my best at the church and leave nothing for her at home.

                      I steal when I reveal something she has asked me to hold in confidence.

                      I steal when she entrusts me with a vulnerability, and I use it against her.

Guard those things in a marriage that belong to your spouse.

           Keep them safe and use them wisely.

           A good example is your time.

Are you really making time to spend with your spouse, just the two of you, doing things together.

                      Or are you selfishly stealing that time for your self or for your work.

4. Be A Careful Speaker!

Ephesians 4:29-30 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Washington Irving put it well: “The tongue is the only tool that grows sharper with constant use.”

Sharp instruments can be deadly when handled carelessly

                      or extremely useful in the hands of a skillful surgeon.

           Words come to mind, and our responsibility is to evaluate them before speaking them.

The word “unwholesome” is too mild a translation for what Paul is saying here.

           The Greek term refers to rotting vegetables or rancid fish.

Have you ever fixed shrimp at home and just thrown the shells in the garbage and left them until the next day?

                      Man, the smell will not only take away your breath, it will knock you over.

Each time we open our mouths we either build up or tear down our mate.

           You can do everything else right.

                      You can be a mature husband or wife.

                      You can be faithful and honest.

                      You can be the fulfillment of your mate’s every dream.

           But that can all be destroyed, by the words you speak, and the manner in which you say them.

It seems odd, but we tend to be more careful in how we speak to people in public, to strangers, than too our spouse.

           We need to make sure that we are very care in the words we speak.

                      Words that encourage and build up, and not tear down.

5. Be Nice!

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I like the very simple translation of these verses that I read: “Just be nice.”

           It all boils down to being nice.

           “Nice” is something we can all be.

                      Courtesy is woven into the fabric of “nice.”

                      You are courteous to strangers out in the public everyday.

                                 You set aside your bad mood and your worries, long enough to return a smile,

                                            offer a compliment, absorb a cross word, or offer to help.

“Nice” is so simple.

           When men think of ways to show love to their wives, we tend to think of grand gestures;

                      jewelry and trips to far away places.

           Yet for the ladies, the smallest kindness can mean so much.

One man simply wrote “I Love You” on a post-it note and stuck it on her mirror as he rushed out one morning.

When he came home that night, he noticed it was gone, and though she had read it and then threw it away.

                      But when they got in her car later that evening, there it was stuck on her dashboard.

                                 Three little words, but they meant the world to her.

                                            She kept the note there for weeks.

That’s all it takes to make her feel loved and appreciated?

           Most times, yes.

Simple, authentic gestures of affection laid end to end, day by day, over the years, will mean more to her than all the trips and diamonds you could ever afford.

Women, too, have their lessons to learn.

           Criticism chips away at a man’s dignity, and leaves him with less desire to love his wife.

           Ladies, be nice to your husband by finding something he does that pleases you.

                      Point it out, and thank him for being a good husband.

Even better, notice something in his character that you admire,

                                 then tell him that you respect him for it.

           I think you will be amazed at how much a simple gesture can mean to your spouse.

So many couples take delight in running each other down.

           Then wonder what’s wrong with their marriage.

           Try being nice, and you will be pleased with the positive effect it will have on your relationship.

Conclusion:

Our marriages are to be filled with grace.

           Which means that we cultivate honesty,

           express our anger appropriately and at the right time,

           we don’t steal from each other,

           we guard our speech, and

           we show kindness to each other.

           These principles will give real intimacy to your relationship.

Let me end with this story:

This comes from a book by Richard Selzer, MD titled “Mortal Lessons: Notes in the Art of Surgery”.

I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, had been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had to cut the little nerve.

Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry-mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily? The young woman speaks.

           “Will my mouth always be like this?” she asks.

           “Yes,” I say, “it will. It’s because the nerve was cut.”

           She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles.

           “I like it,” he says. “It’s kind of cute.”

All at once I know who he is. I understand, and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I’m so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works. I remember that the gods appeared in ancient Greece as mortals, and I hold my breath and let the wonder in.

Grace is oxygen to a marriage and yours may be gasping for it.

           Breathe life into your marriage by using these five principles.

           And let the wonder back into your marriage!